Fuck you

I don't understand because you love everything that I have learned to hate about myself 

And I'm so terrified that one day

Someday soon

My childish hysterics will seem immature and annoying

And my constant calls will be suffocating

And my protests when you compliment me will be tiresome

And you will grow irritated at how I always ruin the mood

And you will be fed up of always biting your tongue 

And you will glance at the text I send you without realising that the words are meant for only you

and you will stop caring about the things hidden in the crinkles of my mouth

And you will dread receiving my phone calls 

And you will be annoyed at the way I use your arm as a piano

Or at the way I whisper your name to the stars

Or how I turn my face into your arm and kiss it

And a part of me wishes that you despised all my quirks so that I know that I have nothing left to lose. 

But you love me and you care for me and you expend so much on me and 

I have you

And I can't lose you.

Chlorine and inferiority

You're standing in front of the mirror

In your swimsuit

'Ugh I look terrible'

You cringe at the elastic nakedness

It pulls you into

You gather your hair into a bun

And watch as your forehead is revealed

And realise you have a rather knob shaped skull

And you pull the swimming cap over your head

'Wow....my head looks so disproportionate when compared to my body'

And you snap the goggles on with a sigh of relief

Because it covers most of your face 

And you can hide behind its lenses 

Hide your insecurities

And you step into the water

An aching sense of familiarity washing over you

Till you are drowning in its chlorinated depths

And as you watch the sun rays

Dance on the swimming pool ground

You know that here,

You are flawless

You are magnificent,

You are invincible 

Here, in the water,

You are beautiful.

For my bbz

There's a quiver in your voice over the phone 

And you tell me that she left again

That she was a miracle and you are a witness

Watching the blazes of a shooting star

Die out in the sky

But it's so strange, because you have always been

The one who is temporary

An hourglass, spilling away your moments 

Till you choke in your sleep;

Alone, alone, alone.

A time bomb, making your presence known

With every word, exploding,

Leaving what was your world in tatters 

And at least I'm addicted to a cheap substitute for love

While there's smoke in your lungs and ash in your blood

And always you try to shield me from the ache in the world

But you grew up a servant when you should have been an knight

And now you've got bloody wrists and a broken me

Telling you to

Go back to bed.

how was i supposed to know that you were a universe? 

102

It scares me because he's all I've ever known. He destroyed me and I called it love.

And then there's you and you make me better you make me happy you save me a little more everyday

And it's so different to be taken care of.  

And gosh if before was love, my feelings for you are some rare explosion in the corner of the universe where stars collide and create new dimensions of epic proportions and a whole cosmos relies on us. 

Reasons unknown

You want to know about 'my dark past'. You tell me that you want to hear of the little morsels of pain that kept me up at night, you say you want to hear about the things that hurt me so that you will never be one of them.
I don't know how.
You can trail your lips over every scar staining my arm but you will never taste the acid tears burnt into them as they healed. You can kiss the lips that had been bruised by force, but you will never feel the stab of fear in your stomach, you will never touch the hope in my eyes as I looked to the elevator, waiting for my hero to come. I will make sure of it.
I can't make you understand how I regulate my voice so that it betrays none of the stutter remembering brings. The things I felt fall flat in words, but the aching of my chest, the stammering of my heartbeat, the unbearable tingling of my fingers as I bit back the frailties behind my eyelids are never things that I can express completely. I choose not to. I laugh when I speak of them, I laugh to glaze over my scabs, so that you do not see, so do you not see the ruins I am in, so that you do not know that I was a handful of fragments before I met you and now? Now you have sewn me together, and I owe you my life.

idk bum

You're getting closer everyday.
Everyday
You're claiming broken pieces of me
One at a time
What will I have left when you leave? 

No Good Deed

The days begin to blur together and the seconds sprint by in centuries. Eyes searching for familiar fingers, fingers twisted into guns, guns pointed at me. Every new hour, a new destiny, every new whisper, a prophecy. Perhaps I’d been charmed to float through life in the constraints of words upon stones and patterns upon the sky. Stars are beautiful, but they can’t foretell. They won’t foretell. Generations of being gazed at and forgotten, by every pair of eyes falling upon them, have left them cold and merciless.
Perhaps the stars are sent to kill.
And they never said that I couldn’t survive with poison gas bubbling in my lungs, and venom hissing in my blood. As though words have real power, and actions can stop a person from jumping off a building.
We are the products of the dimensions we’ve defined for ourselves. We are the victims of mundanity, trapped in an endless experiment, examined, mocked, murdered. Our humanity is contained in jars of morals much weaker than glass and stronger than diamond. We are pawns with feet dipped in ink, writing our legacy out onto the Unnamed’s parchment, we confine ourselves in cages of physics and religion.
We are samples locked in history; we’ve swallowed the key. We run in circles trying to find corners to settle down in, we search for answers in ourselves, we are imprisoned by a sense of invincibility, we are vanity personified. We are flying monkeys with torn off wings, we are goldfish – Goldfish – never to be found in the depths of the well, we are the future, we are the past, we exist only in the moments we consume, we grow into giants and fill the gaps of everything to nothing, we are criminally insane, we are insanely criminal, we deserve to die, we need to survive.
I don’t understand anymore.

Did I ever?

Drugged

And you are everchanging,
the sting in the wind and the thorn in the thunder,
the essence of lightning 
you are the never-ending sky, 
your secrets die with you,
which means that they never do
you are the sea, you are the ocean,
alternating between shallow ripples and deep tides
and i never know for sure which i’ll be meeting
you are the horizon,
you snatch the sun away and scatter diamond stars
across the midnight velvet
you hang the clouds up and rewind rainbows
the clockwork crux of the universe
putty in your hands
i am putty in your hands
and you are a flame 
and i am a flicker
i exist only when you do not, 
i exist only when you do
your laughter fills up the whole room
and i explode into it
and i am predictable 
and afraid to be an anchor
pulling you down to mundanity 
diazepam
you let me breathe when my lungs seize
and i’ve never seen you without your colours
maybe you’re scared you’ll blind me?
you’ve already left me head spinning heart beating legs trembling hands shaking
what have i got to lose
except 
for
you?